Don't just do something, sit there.
If you’re going to orient your life toward something, freedom seems like a good choice. But, how does one choose freedom? What do we mean by freedom anyway?
Freedom for what or from what?
What if it’s like this:
What if freedom isn’t something I acquire or win for my self. Instead, what if freedom is actually liberation from my self? More simply, what if the freedom I most want is the freedom from self-centered thinking?
For me, self-centered thinking is rooted in three ideas:
1. “I don’t have what I want.”
2. “I don’t want what I have.”
3. “I should know what I want, but I don’t.”
1. “I don’t have what I want.”
This first idea will get you busy.
Dissatisfaction, fear, anger, and even jealousy often energize me to get unstuck, commit to change, and open to new possibilities. Nothing will get me busy like anger or being sick and tired of being sick and tired.
We all know these feelings directly and intimately. The drive for More, Different, and Better is a raw, dynamic force as potent as gravity, and just as inescapable.
I have this one thought to thank for most of my life’s accomplishments. Yet, even after getting the things I desired, the second thought always quickly emerged:
2. “I don’t want what I have.”
Why don’t I want what I have? Because it fails to deliver the lasting happiness, satisfaction, and freedom I try to squeeze out of all my achievements, experiences, and relationships.
In other words, I don’t want what I have because it’s no longer what I want anymore! I wanted it until I got it. So, what do I want now?
More. Better. Different.
That’s what.
It’s the curse of Christmas afternoon, after the newness of the toy I waited all year for has worn off. And so round and round I go, trading up, chasing harder, and trying to find contentment in the mythic quest for infinite growth.
Psychologists have a term for this, which has become a household name: the hedonic treadmill. Mystics are more honest and call it suffering, which better describes my own experience.
More and Better aren’t limited to stuff and materialism, either. It also comes cleverly packaged as spiritual materialism, which is a more refined kind of treadmill we often turn to when stuff loses its shine.
We have a way of applying achievement and success frameworks to that, too, which leads to the same disappointing cul-de-sacs and dead ends.
There, we walk in circles, endlessly cycling between Ideas 1 and 2:
I don’t have what I want! Let’s go get that. Yay, I got what I wanted! Wait, I don’t actually want that. Now what? What do I really want? That over there! That’s bigger and better! Let’s go get that. Yay, I got what I wanted! Um, now what? This isn’t quite it either. What do I really want? Maybe that over there! That’s better! Let’s go get that. Yay, I got what I wanted! Wait, I don’t actually want that. Now what? What do I really want? That over there! That’s better! Let’s go get that…
Eventually, one of two possibilities emerge. You can either continue to double down on each go around, hoping the next one will bring a sense of freedom and satisfaction.
Or, you move on to the Third Idea:
3. “I should know what I want, but I don’t.”
This thought is the most destabilizing of the three. It threatens our very sense of self and safety. At least it has mine.
Here lies the doorway to every existential, quarter-life, and midlife crisis. It is also the doorway to freedom.
I’ve been through this experience, personally, as have untold others throughout the centuries. It’s often called the Dark Night of the Soul. It’s a passage through the valley of the shadow, or at least the cul-de-sac of There Must Be More.
Everything grinds to a halt and stops working. Our questions and doubts come clawing to the surface to be seen.
I learned this lesson in a visceral way recently when I went on a darkness retreat. Sitting in absolute blackness, with zero distractions, there was nowhere to go, nothing to do, no one to be. Outside, the world kept going without missing a beat. Without missing me.
There was also nowhere to hide. Turns out, I take my self with me everywhere I go. I’m often too distracted to notice.
Sitting there, I realized I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. I felt like I should know. After all, I make my living guiding people through life transitions and Ultimate Questions so they can live with clear purpose.
“I should know. I should. I should,” I eventually confessed to the dark. “But, I don’t.” The words fell like lead to the floor when I spoke them, and eventually a weight lifted from my chest (and head).
I didn’t realize I was carrying such heaviness. I see it easily in others, but am blind to my own struggle sometimes.
Should is a heavy word. Its mass is nothing less than the dense stuff of judgement and shame. Should is a ruthless task master that demands, “Don’t just stand there, do something!” It’s an energy that will shame you into aimless motion for the sake of proving you’re good enough.
Should can’t lead you to freedom, or anything new, because it doesn’t know the way. It only knows the past and seeks to re-create it. Should’s only exist in relationship to some idea of what is worthwhile—usually someone else’s ideas—that must be measured against to see how we stack up (which we rarely can).
Soul, on the other hand, leads us to the New. The Unknown. But this requires trust. As many have said, no one fears the Unknown. It’s impossible because it’s unknown. What we really fear is losing our grip on the Known, the Predictable, the way things are and should be.
Like a guru who aims to confuse the mind and force us into the greater depths of heart, Soul whispers, “Don’t just do something, stand there.”
Or better yet, sit down for a minute.
Be still and know.
Wait. Listen.
Be willing to unlearn.
I’m walking that path even now as I type these words. It’s a paradox, confusing and obvious at the same time. That’s no surprise, though, because paradox is the native language of Reality. It makes no sense to the mind… until it does, and then only as a subtle felt-sense too fragile and enormous for words told hold.
But it can be experienced. We simply need to slow down, become quiet, and listen.
None of us needs to be told how to slow down. We don’t need more courses, books, podcasts, or workshops on how to do it. We’ve known since we were children. We simply have to say yes to it… or not.
If you say yes, which I hope you do, what awaits is freedom. Freedom from yourself and the self-centered habits of thinking, believing, and being that compress your heart and close you off to life’s flow.
Et. cetera
After taking a hiatus, I recently opened my coaching calendar for new clients. If you’re in need of support and are interested in booking a 75-minute session with me, please click here or the button below.
My areas of coaching expertise include:
Navigating major life transitions
Identifying and connecting with your purpose through Self-awareness
Improving mental clarity and reducing anxiety through nervous system mastery
Designing and navigating modern initiations and rites of passage
Transitioning from a business exit
Creative development and planning
Writing and book publishing
Sometimes I don’t know what to say when my mind has been expanded and thoughts swirl around my brain, which happens more often than not after reading your provocative words and insights. I think, wow that’s profound but how can I pick up what he’s laying down? There are few people I read who bring me into deep introspection. You are one of them. Thank you.
There is such wonder in stepping into the somewhat scary practice of silence & solitude isn't there, Kevin? It's quite remarkable its power .
I might book a session with you in a few months about book pubbing, my friend. Go well.